Letters...

...written at different points in my life (and never sent)


Dear D___n,

Remember how the warm Carribean sun mixed with the weight of the air, seeping through the cotton? It's the same heat that stretched and ripened those dirt roads. I remember telling you that I'm not inexhaustible and I'll run out. I was talking like a shell of myself. My soul was too engrossed with quenching itself in the blue-green waters.

Dear B___a,

Please keep that dress for me. I know that once in a while you take it out to admire the intricate lacework and meticulous embroidery contrasted with the hand-shredded silk. Every detail of that dress sits heavy on my heart, yet I cannot get rid of it. Physically, it fits well. Emotionally, I still need to grow into it.

Dear N___i,

The trip to Abu Simbel was incredible. I remember snacking on kofta and complaining that camels smelled of lead and moldy hay. I stood in awe of the Sun Temple and declared ,"Rameses is a god." Then I caught sight of Nefertari's temple of Hathor and sighed, "He is also a man."

Dear M___k,

For years I've been marooned to an abstract level of you. I realize now that I'm not an armchair shrink. I'm really sorry.

Dear J__g__r,

I don't believe in destiny. However, if destiny decides to come for me, I'd ride its death clap for all it's worth. I'd careen past a ruptured sky, picking up signs of my birthright along the way. And maybe, just maybe, I'd fall off and land in an unceremonious heap at your feet ( I'd love it if you'd at least help me up. )

Dear F.M.,

You introduced me to your patrons as your Francoise. But Francoise left Pablo too, didn't she?

Dear K____na,

When I met you in Darjeeling, I was only half of myself. I didn't care to talk about it, but something terrible happened in my life. There were days when it just hurt to wake up and fit in with the rest of the world. At first I thought it was funny, to have this world run by people who are half-whole. But there are a lot of them among us, you know, so beautiful and yet so broken inside. I've been wounded in a lot of ways that for a time I took care to look away from my scars, telling everyone else I'm okay, don't stare at me too much, there's nothing to see. I was learning to survive, and the whole process wasn't pretty. I didn't call or write home for a long time. I guess I was too busy refashioning myself into someone I could live with. I came to get back some of the meaning that awful experience took from me. I drew near the Himalayas to recall something I've forgotten. To be happy. To believe in myself again. To be free. To love.

And how I loved you. Hai pighla shaam ke sooraj ka sona, magar main sirf tumko dekhta hoon - hamein jab se mohabbat ho gayi hai.

R_____ha


Dear A____c,

...I think you do. It just takes time to realize it. You see, what you're looking for somehow you already know. The revelation could come to you in a burst of fireworks, a full orchestra. Or it could be quiet. I don't remember having any kind of special epiphany. For a while I lived my life without context, just getting by. But one day, I woke up and just felt happy. And some kind of sad. But overall I felt alive. Undoubtedly alive.

All of us have some kind of wilderness. Allow this place you're in now to convince you (or if you can take a bit of prurience, to strip you raw.) It's not such a bad thing.

Dear T___d,

I don't need saving. I don't want you to take the pain away. It's the only thing that's truly mine. Dreams must be worked for, earned through sweat and tears. That's why they're so precious. I'm never one to hold my dreams so cheaply. The way to achieving them is harsh and hard, but I won't be cheated of it. Not even by you.

Dear ________,

For a good number of reasons - what the hell does that mean? I only want you. There's nothing I would not give you. Nothing I would not do.














photo credit: E. Wilman