Shameless fantasizing

Costume season is here again. This year, I think I want to dress up as Aminta, the gypsy maiden in Don Juan Triumphant.


You have brought me / to that moment / where words run dry / to that moment / where speech disappears / into silence / silence . . .


The tableaux won't be complete without the masked Don.

You have come here / in pursuit of your deepest urge / in pursuit of that wish / which till now / has been silent / silent . . .

Together we'll stage our version of a "passion-play" :)





Past all thought of "if" or "when" / no use resisting: abandon thought / and let the dream descend




When will the blood / begin to race / the sleeping bud / burst into bloom? / When will the flames at last
consume us?







Past the point of no return / the final threshold / the bridge is crossed / so stand and watch it burn...

Aaarrrghh...I've been strolling past the Palais Garnier one too many times this week. Maybe I should so something about this *fantasy* by ------ --- ---- ------ -- -- this weekend ;)

images: WB and ALW
lyrics: ALW

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Letters...

...written at different points in my life (and never sent)


Dear D___n,

Remember how the warm Carribean sun mixed with the weight of the air, seeping through the cotton? It's the same heat that stretched and ripened those dirt roads. I remember telling you that I'm not inexhaustible and I'll run out. I was talking like a shell of myself. My soul was too engrossed with quenching itself in the blue-green waters.

Dear B___a,

Please keep that dress for me. I know that once in a while you take it out to admire the intricate lacework and meticulous embroidery contrasted with the hand-shredded silk. Every detail of that dress sits heavy on my heart, yet I cannot get rid of it. Physically, it fits well. Emotionally, I still need to grow into it.

Dear N___i,

The trip to Abu Simbel was incredible. I remember snacking on kofta and complaining that camels smelled of lead and moldy hay. I stood in awe of the Sun Temple and declared ,"Rameses is a god." Then I caught sight of Nefertari's temple of Hathor and sighed, "He is also a man."

Dear M___k,

For years I've been marooned to an abstract level of you. I realize now that I'm not an armchair shrink. I'm really sorry.

Dear J__g__r,

I don't believe in destiny. However, if destiny decides to come for me, I'd ride its death clap for all it's worth. I'd careen past a ruptured sky, picking up signs of my birthright along the way. And maybe, just maybe, I'd fall off and land in an unceremonious heap at your feet ( I'd love it if you'd at least help me up. )

Dear F.M.,

You introduced me to your patrons as your Francoise. But Francoise left Pablo too, didn't she?

Dear K____na,

When I met you in Darjeeling, I was only half of myself. I didn't care to talk about it, but something terrible happened in my life. There were days when it just hurt to wake up and fit in with the rest of the world. At first I thought it was funny, to have this world run by people who are half-whole. But there are a lot of them among us, you know, so beautiful and yet so broken inside. I've been wounded in a lot of ways that for a time I took care to look away from my scars, telling everyone else I'm okay, don't stare at me too much, there's nothing to see. I was learning to survive, and the whole process wasn't pretty. I didn't call or write home for a long time. I guess I was too busy refashioning myself into someone I could live with. I came to get back some of the meaning that awful experience took from me. I drew near the Himalayas to recall something I've forgotten. To be happy. To believe in myself again. To be free. To love.

And how I loved you. Hai pighla shaam ke sooraj ka sona, magar main sirf tumko dekhta hoon - hamein jab se mohabbat ho gayi hai.

R_____ha


Dear A____c,

...I think you do. It just takes time to realize it. You see, what you're looking for somehow you already know. The revelation could come to you in a burst of fireworks, a full orchestra. Or it could be quiet. I don't remember having any kind of special epiphany. For a while I lived my life without context, just getting by. But one day, I woke up and just felt happy. And some kind of sad. But overall I felt alive. Undoubtedly alive.

All of us have some kind of wilderness. Allow this place you're in now to convince you (or if you can take a bit of prurience, to strip you raw.) It's not such a bad thing.

Dear T___d,

I don't need saving. I don't want you to take the pain away. It's the only thing that's truly mine. Dreams must be worked for, earned through sweat and tears. That's why they're so precious. I'm never one to hold my dreams so cheaply. The way to achieving them is harsh and hard, but I won't be cheated of it. Not even by you.

Dear ________,

For a good number of reasons - what the hell does that mean? I only want you. There's nothing I would not give you. Nothing I would not do.














photo credit: E. Wilman
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Rock from a hard place

Time to rock this baby

" -- I'm going to let you set the agenda." Save for these last few lines, the whole conversation sailed right over my head.

"You're putting me in charge?!"

"Looks that way, doesn't it?"

"I...uh..."

"You're welcome."

I just wanna run screaming from the room. I've just been given the license to be a tyrant.

You're just a two-bit chorus girl who got lucky.

This two-bit chorus girl didn't do too bad, after all :)

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Intermezzo

"Why do you think most love stories have happy endings?"

"Because most people prefer happy endings at all costs."

"Life isn't like that."

"No, but a good love story deals with that fact. It teaches one to survive - and perhaps, hope."

Are we learning from the stories we tell each other? Our discussions of philosophy, art, our past...and how the simplest things are changed when shaded by your presence?

"What it really all comes down to," he continued, a trifle sardonically, "is that a man cannot help what he does when bespelled by a woman."

I smiled. Yes, I think we are.

**********

"So tell me how you got that ridiculous nickname."

"It's a long and boring story," he replied wryly.

"Please. You know I like stories."

"I don't think now is the time for stories." The firelight caught the predatory gleam in his eyes.

"Oh." I tried to sound exasperated and failed. "Well, later then."

"Much later."

**********

I traced his every feature, taking my time, memorizing the details, slowly and gently. The darkness deepened and the air hummed. The night stood still, only complete awareness remaining.

On the other hand, he was learning about me too.
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Black

Shadows we cast on the ground

Never abandons us like the sun

Sometimes darkness makes us see

The deeper things that can't be shown

Light can bend and can deceive

Love is to trust when you do not know

If love is everything, let me just mix it all in

Black is the color of our love



Partial lyrics from The Key of E by R.A.L., performed live with NSBY Warehouse at M.A.S. near Amsterdam, September 13, 2008.


For the gentleman who loves me in midnight blue. I've always loved seeing you in black.

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Muy cerca...

At first I did it out of defiance, but as the evening wore on, I danced for the joy of it.

The music ended abruptly. After a long moment his hold loosened. He drew back slowly, cheek resting against my own.

“Thank you,” he said.

I couldn't stop smiling. An odd exuberance of something beautiful and newly-found had overtaken any form of speech.

"Rachel," he urged quietly."Let's go. Your flight to Paris leaves in two hours."

Sigh. Hot damn. Recalling that evening just reduced me to into a hormonal mess. I don't get many chances to be sentimental in a hard-nosed and itinerant business, so tonight I've decided to kick things up a notch and watch "Enchanted"(!) So break out the popcorn and call me Emo :)

Sigh. They may share the same build and (gasp!) hairstyle, but other than that, McDreamy's got nothing on him :P


You’re in my arms / And all the world is calm /The music playing on for only two / So close together / And when I’m with you /So close to feeling alive / A life goes by / Romantic dreams will stop /So I bid mine goodbye and never knew /So close was waiting, waiting here with you /And now forever I know / All that I wanted to hold you / So close / So close to reaching that famous happy end / Almost believing this was not pretend / And now you’re beside me and look how far we’ve come / So far we are so close / How could I face the faceless days / If I should lose you now? / We’re so close / To reaching that famous happy end / And almost believing this was not pretend / Let’s go on dreaming for we know we are / So close /So close /And still so far...



...y a la vez muy lejos
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Pale moon night at the Alpha

"I met you all the way out here," I said, grinning. "What more do you want from me?"

I will be the answer
At the end of the line

He looked thoughtful for a moment. "A dance."

While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty

"I'm sorry? You want to dance with me here, with all these people --"

His eyes darkened. "A dance, that's all. I've always loved dancing with you."

I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can't look down

"That's sweet, but I don't think I will." I gave him an awkward smile. "But don't think I'll forget your invitation."

"I'm afraid I must insist," he said, his gaze never leaving mine. "Who knows when I'd see you again?"

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend

I was faintly aware of the music and my growing sense of embarrassment. "Another time."

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind

"Rachel." He took my hand, turned it over, and started tracing the veins along my wrist. "One dance."

Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life

I licked suddenly dry lips. "Okay," I replied quietly. "One dance."

When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright

He laughed low in his throat. "That's my girl."

It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end




Answer by Sarah McLachlan

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Fear and Loathing in DC

( I learn every moment, the tiny shifts and variances, until my strikes become more refined. Precision is all, even in the absence of victory. Oh, and I hope this is the last time I ever talk about the vagaries of my job...)

Turning and turning in the widening gyre

The falcon cannot hear the falconer;

We adjusted our coats as the cold night air hit our faces.

He lit a cigarette, chuckling under his breath. "How the mighty have fallen."

"A den of wolves, more like." I said through gritted teeth, unable to contain my irritation.

"You did well in there, kid. Every one of those mannequins was pretty much brain dead. Before long they'll start pointing fingers at each other."

"Why didn't you send in Serge? Or Tova?"

He took a deep drag. "Because you're the most ruthless negotiator I got. You can knock it out of the park when it matters."

Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;

Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,

The accolade stung, though I wasn't not exactly sure why. "Is that right? Because it seemed that they already knew how things were going to play out even before we stepped in --"

"You got the point across. You made sense. I'm not complaining here, am I?" He bristled visibly, his jaw working.

"I'm telling you, something is off. I'm either getting strung up or stonewalled! Why didn't you let me go through the whole set?"

He looked away. "Now's not the time to ask those questions."

"I could have --"

"The blueprints are still yours. If that's not respect I don't know what is. But it's not enough to save the fucking world," he cut me off in tone that implied the discussion was over.

My shoulders slumped. I felt so tired all of a sudden. All I could think of was getting the heck out of there.

The limousine pulled up to the curb. "It's been a long day," I sighed. "I'll see you in Paris on Monday."

"Wednesday. Or not even then. I have to stay here until the dust settles on this historic mess."

The blood-dimmed tide is loosed

...a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi

Troubles my sight...

I threw my bag into the backseat with a little more force than necessary. "Right. Well, good night sir. I have a flight to catch."

His brow furrowed. "Don't you want to get some sleep tonight? Your room's paid up till noon tomorrow."

"Not really. I have to get going."

"Lee."

"Yes, sir?"

"You could've refused this assignment."

I shrugged. "I'm never one to dance away from the blade."

He smiled. Lit another cigarette. "Welcome to the game. Good night."


And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,

Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?*





*The Second Coming by W.B. Yeats
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